Motherhood

I had every intention of writing this post before or even on Mother’s Day but that obviously didn’t happen so now will have to do.

Motherhood is something I dreamt about as a little girl. I’m not going to lie I was quite the tomboy; however, I always LOVED playing house. I loved carrying my dolls around, dressing them up, feeding them, taking them to pretend school. I loved playing the game MASH where you image up your future home and family. I remember playing this game with my sisters and then we would all draw our future families and name our kids. 

When Chris and I became pregnant with Collin I was on Cloud 9. I was ecstatic to become what I dreamt of my whole childhood. I was finishing my degree at BYU and the timing couldn’t be more perfect. I would graduate then work for a couple of months before welcoming our precious first born into our home. I remember planning the trips to the park Collin and I were going to take. God had a different plan for our family and our sweet Collin returned to Heavenly Father three short days after he was born. I remember feeling as though motherhood was taken from me. I knew that Collin was still my son and that I was still a mother, although at times it was hard to feel like a ‘real mom.’ 

Fast forward a year when I became pregnant with Ethan. I was thrilled to welcome our second son into our home. I’ll be honest I was a little worried that I would either struggle to love Ethan the way I loved Collin, or that I would love Ethan too much and forget Collin.  Those worries vanished as Ethan let out his first cry. I was overcome with emotion. I remembered Collin’s birth as well as the moment we held him in our arms as he was taking his last breath. I felt my heart grow. 

Collin has blessed our home in so many ways. Even though he isn’t here on earth he is a constant reminder to our family to live worthily so we can be together forever. Collin reminds me to enjoy every moment with Ethan. I’d be lying if I said I never get frustrated when Ethan is fussy or struggling to sleep; however, more often than not I’m reminded of my sweet Collin and how I would give anything to have those frustrating moments with him. 

I may ‘baby’ Ethan too much or not give him enough alone playtime…but I can’t help it. I LOVE being a mom. I love spending all day at the park. I love playing catch with the ball, playing cars, reading books, swimming at the pool, going to the beach. I love that the littlest things I do can make Ethan laugh and laugh and laugh. I love that when he’s hurt or sad he immediately looks for me. I love that he wants me to play with him. I love that while we’re playing he will occasionally lay his head on my lap with a huge smile on his face. 

I learned how to be a mom from the best. I’m sure all of you can vouch for me. If I can be half as good as my mom and mother-in-law then I am set. 

I love that my mom played with me with while growing up. She took me on bike rides up the canyon. She played kickball and kick-the-can with all the kids in the park. She taught me to enjoy life. I remember when my brothers, sisters and I were arguing or complaining she would stick tissues in her ears and start dancing or singing – which made us all laugh. She taught me to work and she worked with me. She taught me to love the gospel of Jesus Christ. She taught me to be a friend to everyone I see. She taught me to serve and to be selfless. 

My mother-in-law is the most selfless women I know. Her whole life is devoted to her kids. She has sacrificed so much for all of her kids, yet it never seems like a sacrifice to her. I am forever grateful for all that she has taught Chris, which has shaped him into who he is today. 

I am in no way the perfect mom. But I know that my love for both of my boys is perfect. I am eternally grateful to be called mom.